Rejection

I was always told that rejection may sting but regret hurts.
It was Aug '04 I was up for reenlistment in the Air Force, but that Jan they had put out new Fitness standards, and if you did not pass you could not reenlist. In Aug I went to to my Fitness test and failed because of the run (I very much dislike to run and I was having back problems at the time). Well I was denied my reenlist because I did not pass. So I am thinking oaky this really sucks, here I am almost 9 yrs in, I'm going all the way to 20 if not more, then because of a stupid run I can not continue my career.
Three months rolls by still having dull back aches so I go to the ER one evening after work when I can not tolorate the pain any more. The doctors check me out, this has happened to me before, sharp stabbing pains in my lower back. When I was pregnant with my daughter I had the same thing for the first couple of months, but as I was on birth control, so I did not think I could be pregnant again. I was on depo and it makes your body 'act' pregnant with hormones, so I figure it was something having to do with that. Boy was I wrong, (side note: depo is not 100%) I was 16 weeks pregnant. Yikes!!!! Thats why I was having the back aches. So I thought I had a loop hole and could continue on with the rest of my career not problems. Which is correct, if you are pregnant during the time of your fitness test it does not count.
I went to talk to personnel about it, well the only one in the office did not know is job or want to do the research to find out. I told him that I was pregnant during my fitness test so it does not count and I could still reenlist (I already did my homework). He told me it did not matter if I was pregnant at the time I still could not reenlist, I needed to start preparing myself for separation. Here I was a sargeant with almost 9 yrs in being told by an airman with not even half that time in that I could not reenlist, because he did not want to look up a regulation, because of course he KNEW everything. I stoo up, looked at him and told him, "Fine it looks like I'm fucking getting out then doesn't it." Then walked out of his office.
I was so pissed and crushed, I loved my job and the Air Force, I didn't know what to do with myself. I could fight it, I could have gone to his supervisor, but I did not. Now almost three years later, I realize that the Air Force rejecting my reenlistment because of a stupid run, and the little airman who did not want to work were basically telling me that it was time for change. And change I did. Without that I would not have the job, and the people I work with who are wonderful. I am closer to my family as is my daughter. I am happier, more confident, everything about me is better. I would have not met the guy I'm dating now, and I probably would have never found this blog and everyone here.
So I believe rejection stings, but there is always something positive to be gained.

Silly Me What am I Thinking

Okay, so it comes down to this, the magic number is two. That is how many guys there is a possibility of. They are both cops, a pro. I work with one, a con and the other I don't work with him, a pro, but he lives in another state, a con. While I really want both I more apt to go with the one who is in the same state. But then it comes down to relationships in the work place which could be bad. The boss says as long as it is kept under control, then no problem. However, I have done the whole dating in the workplace (aka military) and it didn't always work out okay.
So today I am with workplace guy, I was very much up in his personal space, every opportunity I got. I'm trying to make it obvious of what is going on in my head and I think he is perceptive to it but still not sure. It was bad, I would accidentally kick him with my shoe and then brush off his knee for him. I have no control what so ever. He was showing me something on the computer and I was nonshallantly rubbing his knee with my little finger, while pretending to lean forward so I could see the computer screen better. Now I feel bad because this should not take place in the work place. If I had the gumption then I would just say hey look why don't we meet for coffee on this day at this place and tell him then but I am as always chicken. Mostly out of fear of rejection, and I know the worst he can say is no thank you. Why would that be so bad I have been rejected before and I'm still waking up in the morning. I really just want to call him and say why not catch that movie that we both want to go see. Psycho me still does not have the nerve. With all the other (married) men I work with I am the Alpha Female and do not take their crap. With him I am a scared teenager afraid I might not have a date. He did make a comment as how I was messing him up when he was logging on to the computer earlier, so that gives me a little hint that I do get to him I just don't know how much.....
As for out of state guy, well I talk to him on the phone often and email lots, and I'm going out of state to his state for some training in April, which we already plan to hook up when I am there. As to what might happen I do not know, what happens happens. I'm pretty sure there will be nakedness involved for quite some time, at least until I am satisfied.

Odd Facts About Things I Thought When I was Five

We all think weird thing when we are kids and do not know any better until we are told or learn differently.

Odd Fact #1: I thought that back when they had Black and White TV that the real people saw in black and white....It could have been true, evolution does make since, but it would take centuries to evolve from seeing black and white to color, not the twenty some odd years it took to invent colored TV.

Odd Fact #2: I thought Transylvania was in Pennsylvania because they sound the same, I was also afraid to ever go there because that is where Dracula lived. In elementary school I learned where Pennsyvania was and it was a state and the Amish people live there, not Dracula. In Middle School I learned that Transylvania is a part of Romania. Still not sure if Dracula is real or not....

To myself

I have just finished reading the Grrl Genius blog posting "Dear Me".
Dear me at 18,

I'm here 11 years from then, I don't know where to start. How about in a couple of months at your first duty station, don't be so overwhelmed, everything will turn out okay. When you meet that guy, you'll know when you meet him, everything was meant to turn out that way. Embrace that you loved and had love in return, even if just for a short while. When you PCS to your next duty station, it will be okay, when you return to your first, go out with him and get caught up on old times, then move on. At your third duty station, tell the guy you are seeing how you feel before you leave, it probably won't change anything, but at least he will know. At the fourth duty station, don't go psycho at 23 year old, you do not have to be married now, or ever if you choose, what comes of this relationship is more good than bad, just don't decide that this is the man you want because he is not. When he moves move on. At your final duty station, realize that you are depressed and overwhelmed with the situation you are in when you first get there. Ask for help, from a doctor, a supervisor, any one that can help will. You do not have to do it on your own, you never had to. There will always be someone there for you when you need them.
You will meet many friends during the next 11 years, the ones you thought were just fun for now will prove to be friends forever no matter how long you go with out talking to them they will always be there for you. The one friend that you always thought would be there, well in 2001 that friendship will cease, due to unknown reasons, let go and live on.
Your self-esteem and self-image will improve, but you should know now love yourself not matter what you look like. You are prefect whether alone or in couple status, being alone does not mean being lonely. You will know when the right person comes along and when the time is right. Stay true to yourself and those you care for.
There is so much you will have to live for when you get here, I know I have enjoyed the road we have chosen. The mistakes were ours to make, and we have learned, we have grown, we have loved, we have been loved, we have lived.
Enjoy the road of what is to come, I know I will be.

Love,
Me at 29, scary but true...

P.S. Regret nothing.

New Years Eve

Okay so it's like half (yes that is right half) way through the month of Jan and here I am posting what happened on NYE. If it appals you, well get over it I have had more important things to do.
So any way, NYE my friend Julie calls and says hey were having a party, come on over. So I go knowing well enough that Ben (my ex-guy??) will be there, but instead of making a scene when he gets there, I get there early and down a few glasses of wine so I will be in good spirits when he does get there. Who wants to fight on NYE anyway, I want to have fun and be merry so I will have a good beginning to the new year. He gives me the explanation when he comes in, not at first but in time. His house was flooded, his got into a fender bender and the guy, who is uninsured is suing him, the bank screwed with his house payments, blah, blah, blah, excuses are like assholes everybody has one. No I'm sorry I really have been busy, or I really need time to get all this straitened out. What ever is what I say. I did let myself test the waters a little, he didn't mind the hands on or the kissing, so maybe there is still hope, is what I tell myself.
Fast forward until the middle of the month which is today 01/14/2007. I called him once because my house was freezing to ask if he knew anything. My 'rents and sister/b-i-l were out of town so I could not rely on them, so who do you expect me to call. He did not know anything about heating, go figure, he reminded me to call Julie because it was her b-day the next day, yes I know it is, well I have to go dinner and stuff, okay, thanks anyway end conversation. Fix heat by turning up thermostat to way beyond hotter than hell, hope it's not 56 degrees inside, - (yes that in a negative, I live in Alaska (that is what AK stands for not Arkansas) - 20 (20 below zero) outside, when I wake up in the morning and go to bed. Wake up check thermostat thank god for 66 degrees inside, still cold as hell is hot outside. End

Dream Interpertations Part II

Dream two- I am at home in the recently new built house and I have a visitor, Rob whom is a friend and potential love interest. He brings me a gift of a huge video game system that plays interactive game and a large screen TV to play it on. We take it to the game/theater room and play a tennis game. When he leaves I kiss him good-bye, only he deepens the kiss and he does not leave. We talk about what happened, realizing that we are in love with each other again he leaves. When my mom comes home I show her the game system and we play a game. She thinks it is fun and can not wait to play more. Later I walk into the kitchen and my dad is on the phone with Rob, they are talking about me and what happened earlier that day. My mom then calls my sister and tells her. My daughter and I play more games. Then next day I am home alone when Rob shows up, we go up to the bedroom and have sex. At the end of the dream we are in the middle of the game room, just stand there, Rob is in behind me, holding me. We are staring at the stage (like a theater stage) in the room with the curtains closed, waiting for the curtains to open up to reveal something. But I never find out what is behind the curtain because I woke up.
The things that popped out at me, the visitor, gift, the phone that my mom and dad talk on is a cell phone, love, sex, the stage and the curtain.
Symbol meanings
Visitor- To have a visitor is a warning dream and should be taken as such from the actions and appearance of the visitors clothing and demeanor. If the visitor is dressed in black and appears mournful then beware of accidents that might befall you or someone you know. If the visitor is tired and worn out from traveling then you will feel a bit of displeasure at someone's actions and this is a warning not to get upset over it. If a friend visits you and everything seems normal, then you will soon hear some good news.
My analysis- It was neither a warning dream, a visitor dressed in black, nor a tired and worn out visitor. It was a friend and everything was normal. So I should be getting some good news
Gift- What is given and to whom? This may indicate a relationship equity being worked out in the dream-a conveyance that attempts to equalize the relationship or symbolizes the nature of the deficit in the relationship.
My analysis- This represents the relationship with the guy I used to see and the possibility of working out what is or is not happening.
Cell phone- Cell phones have changed from being a symbol of status to a symbol of security. We feel a sense of connection to our resources when the cell phone is nearby. If your dream includes a cell phone, you are probably seeing yourself as connected or desiring connection with additional opportunities.
My analysis- I desire to connect with the guy I was seeing to find out what happened.
Love- If you are expressing a true and tender love for another then it shows that you will find happiness and contentment in your life.
My analysis- I want to find happiness and contentment after this.
Sex- To dream about sex, refers to the psychological completion and the integration of contrasting aspects of the Self. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character. Alternatively and a more direct interpretation of the dream, may be your libido's way of telling you that it's been too long since you have had sex. It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love.
My analysis- Both could be true, but let’s go with the first I have integrated the contrasts I have with myself but I need to incorporate the aspects of my lover into my own character.
Stage- All the world is a stage and we are all actors playing a part. The trick to figuring out this dream is to try to find the symbology that will point to your 'performance in life' and then you will be able to correlate the stage with any items you see on it and the actions of the actors as they role play in order to receive the intended message.
Curtain- To see or dream that you are shutting the curtains, signifies secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing a personal matter or an aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains, indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden
My analysis- the stage and curtains go together, I do know that much, the meaning is somewhat mangled. There are no items on the stage, and the curtains are closed. I believe once I find out what happened I will be happy and content only then will the curtains open and I see what is on the stage to point me to my ‘performance in life.’
Okay so this was supposed to be posted a couple of weeks ago but oh well.