Here I am at age 30 3/4 drawing close to my 31st birthday. I know I am unhappy in my current situation, but not because of the people in my life because of no one else but me. I had a whole other post about being unhappy on here and what I am going to do to change it. I'm still going to change those things. I just read my post from Jan 07, the letter to myself at 18. Well I am right I should be enjoying life now and not worrying about everything in the future, not regetting the past. Live in the now. I love times like these when I can self reflect, it makes me realize that I can be happy again. I know what I am so unhappy, hormones are powerful things, post partum unhappiness is what I have. now is the time to shake off all the ugliness and be happy again. I am a crazy person but I am me....

Life Changes so Fast it is Hard to keep up.

Okay so my last entry was in 2007 well over a year ago. Wow has my life changed. Not only did I find a wonderful man to marry I also had my third and final baby.
I was married on July 15 2007, we took a week honeymoon in Hawaii, and life has been great for me and my DH. Before we were married we found out I was pregnant, a little early wedding present. It was a good surprise and I was happy. I gave birth to a healthily baby boy, on Feb 16 at 11:10 am, he weighted 9 lbs 13 oz and was 22in long. Yes he was and still is a big boy. I had the epidural and had a normal birth. After a trying pregnancy, I was constantly sick, the baby had a two vessel umbilical cord meaning he had one vane and one artery which he should have had two arteries, so we went through genetic testing for down syndrome or any genetic abnormalities, after that came out okay there was a chance that he could be low birth weight (see above weight) also I could have gestational diabetes. Plus a number of things that can be wrong with him. I had 9 ultra sounds, which really did not bother me I got lots of pic from them. I went to the ER when I was 4 months for serve low back pain that lasted for 3 days, my OB said it was my ligaments just making room for baby. Which was a load of BS, it was a kidney infection, so I changed my OB to a midwife and that was the greatest thing I ever did. At 36 weeks he still had not turned and if by 37 weeks he had not my midwife was going to perform a version (where they turn the baby by pressing on your belly) luckily he did turn. When I had an ultra sound at 32 weeks the was estimated to be 4.5 lbs which is a little big so I got tested again for diabetes, which again came back negative. At 38 weeks I started having contactions that were about 5 min part so I went in but no luck on having him early. From then on if I had contractions every ten mins until he was born a week late. Needless to say he was a stubborn little man and did not want to come out I was in labor of 19 hours, having to get patosin to help speed the labor along. Finally after all that I pushed for like two mins if that and he was born. It was a very good birthing experience, it was my husband, the doc (my mid wife was not on call) and a nurse in the room.
But I must say that all these life changes I have taken in stride, my daughter who is now 6 it was not so easy for. She had to get used to having a dad, and only have a few months to do that now she is getting use to having a brother, and she started school last fall. Many life changes for such a little girl to handle, she is very good with her little brother and loves him very much. She is a constant help when it is needed and some when it is not. I am now back at work, both my DH and I are working nights, which is a pain. And the one who is feeling it the most is my DD, she does not have allot of other kids her age in our neighborhood, so she plays by herself mostly. She thrives in interaction with other kids. She has summer school, not that she needs it, but her teacher for next year called and said they were doing it for some of the next year first graders. It is only two weeks this month and a week in Aug but it give her something to do. Now I just need something to keep her busy the rest of the summer. She love horses and would do great at horse back riding or she said she would like to do karate, I just have to find a place to do either. If she is involved in something it keeps her mind occupied and she gets into less trouble. She is an exteremly bright child and love to learn. I did tell her that when she was six I would start her in riding lessons and she has now reached that age so I am going to try to make good on that promise.
Again wow what a year, now time to focus on trying to keep my DD occupied.

Rejection

I was always told that rejection may sting but regret hurts.
It was Aug '04 I was up for reenlistment in the Air Force, but that Jan they had put out new Fitness standards, and if you did not pass you could not reenlist. In Aug I went to to my Fitness test and failed because of the run (I very much dislike to run and I was having back problems at the time). Well I was denied my reenlist because I did not pass. So I am thinking oaky this really sucks, here I am almost 9 yrs in, I'm going all the way to 20 if not more, then because of a stupid run I can not continue my career.
Three months rolls by still having dull back aches so I go to the ER one evening after work when I can not tolorate the pain any more. The doctors check me out, this has happened to me before, sharp stabbing pains in my lower back. When I was pregnant with my daughter I had the same thing for the first couple of months, but as I was on birth control, so I did not think I could be pregnant again. I was on depo and it makes your body 'act' pregnant with hormones, so I figure it was something having to do with that. Boy was I wrong, (side note: depo is not 100%) I was 16 weeks pregnant. Yikes!!!! Thats why I was having the back aches. So I thought I had a loop hole and could continue on with the rest of my career not problems. Which is correct, if you are pregnant during the time of your fitness test it does not count.
I went to talk to personnel about it, well the only one in the office did not know is job or want to do the research to find out. I told him that I was pregnant during my fitness test so it does not count and I could still reenlist (I already did my homework). He told me it did not matter if I was pregnant at the time I still could not reenlist, I needed to start preparing myself for separation. Here I was a sargeant with almost 9 yrs in being told by an airman with not even half that time in that I could not reenlist, because he did not want to look up a regulation, because of course he KNEW everything. I stoo up, looked at him and told him, "Fine it looks like I'm fucking getting out then doesn't it." Then walked out of his office.
I was so pissed and crushed, I loved my job and the Air Force, I didn't know what to do with myself. I could fight it, I could have gone to his supervisor, but I did not. Now almost three years later, I realize that the Air Force rejecting my reenlistment because of a stupid run, and the little airman who did not want to work were basically telling me that it was time for change. And change I did. Without that I would not have the job, and the people I work with who are wonderful. I am closer to my family as is my daughter. I am happier, more confident, everything about me is better. I would have not met the guy I'm dating now, and I probably would have never found this blog and everyone here.
So I believe rejection stings, but there is always something positive to be gained.

Silly Me What am I Thinking

Okay, so it comes down to this, the magic number is two. That is how many guys there is a possibility of. They are both cops, a pro. I work with one, a con and the other I don't work with him, a pro, but he lives in another state, a con. While I really want both I more apt to go with the one who is in the same state. But then it comes down to relationships in the work place which could be bad. The boss says as long as it is kept under control, then no problem. However, I have done the whole dating in the workplace (aka military) and it didn't always work out okay.
So today I am with workplace guy, I was very much up in his personal space, every opportunity I got. I'm trying to make it obvious of what is going on in my head and I think he is perceptive to it but still not sure. It was bad, I would accidentally kick him with my shoe and then brush off his knee for him. I have no control what so ever. He was showing me something on the computer and I was nonshallantly rubbing his knee with my little finger, while pretending to lean forward so I could see the computer screen better. Now I feel bad because this should not take place in the work place. If I had the gumption then I would just say hey look why don't we meet for coffee on this day at this place and tell him then but I am as always chicken. Mostly out of fear of rejection, and I know the worst he can say is no thank you. Why would that be so bad I have been rejected before and I'm still waking up in the morning. I really just want to call him and say why not catch that movie that we both want to go see. Psycho me still does not have the nerve. With all the other (married) men I work with I am the Alpha Female and do not take their crap. With him I am a scared teenager afraid I might not have a date. He did make a comment as how I was messing him up when he was logging on to the computer earlier, so that gives me a little hint that I do get to him I just don't know how much.....
As for out of state guy, well I talk to him on the phone often and email lots, and I'm going out of state to his state for some training in April, which we already plan to hook up when I am there. As to what might happen I do not know, what happens happens. I'm pretty sure there will be nakedness involved for quite some time, at least until I am satisfied.

Odd Facts About Things I Thought When I was Five

We all think weird thing when we are kids and do not know any better until we are told or learn differently.

Odd Fact #1: I thought that back when they had Black and White TV that the real people saw in black and white....It could have been true, evolution does make since, but it would take centuries to evolve from seeing black and white to color, not the twenty some odd years it took to invent colored TV.

Odd Fact #2: I thought Transylvania was in Pennsylvania because they sound the same, I was also afraid to ever go there because that is where Dracula lived. In elementary school I learned where Pennsyvania was and it was a state and the Amish people live there, not Dracula. In Middle School I learned that Transylvania is a part of Romania. Still not sure if Dracula is real or not....

To myself

I have just finished reading the Grrl Genius blog posting "Dear Me".
Dear me at 18,

I'm here 11 years from then, I don't know where to start. How about in a couple of months at your first duty station, don't be so overwhelmed, everything will turn out okay. When you meet that guy, you'll know when you meet him, everything was meant to turn out that way. Embrace that you loved and had love in return, even if just for a short while. When you PCS to your next duty station, it will be okay, when you return to your first, go out with him and get caught up on old times, then move on. At your third duty station, tell the guy you are seeing how you feel before you leave, it probably won't change anything, but at least he will know. At the fourth duty station, don't go psycho at 23 year old, you do not have to be married now, or ever if you choose, what comes of this relationship is more good than bad, just don't decide that this is the man you want because he is not. When he moves move on. At your final duty station, realize that you are depressed and overwhelmed with the situation you are in when you first get there. Ask for help, from a doctor, a supervisor, any one that can help will. You do not have to do it on your own, you never had to. There will always be someone there for you when you need them.
You will meet many friends during the next 11 years, the ones you thought were just fun for now will prove to be friends forever no matter how long you go with out talking to them they will always be there for you. The one friend that you always thought would be there, well in 2001 that friendship will cease, due to unknown reasons, let go and live on.
Your self-esteem and self-image will improve, but you should know now love yourself not matter what you look like. You are prefect whether alone or in couple status, being alone does not mean being lonely. You will know when the right person comes along and when the time is right. Stay true to yourself and those you care for.
There is so much you will have to live for when you get here, I know I have enjoyed the road we have chosen. The mistakes were ours to make, and we have learned, we have grown, we have loved, we have been loved, we have lived.
Enjoy the road of what is to come, I know I will be.

Love,
Me at 29, scary but true...

P.S. Regret nothing.

New Years Eve

Okay so it's like half (yes that is right half) way through the month of Jan and here I am posting what happened on NYE. If it appals you, well get over it I have had more important things to do.
So any way, NYE my friend Julie calls and says hey were having a party, come on over. So I go knowing well enough that Ben (my ex-guy??) will be there, but instead of making a scene when he gets there, I get there early and down a few glasses of wine so I will be in good spirits when he does get there. Who wants to fight on NYE anyway, I want to have fun and be merry so I will have a good beginning to the new year. He gives me the explanation when he comes in, not at first but in time. His house was flooded, his got into a fender bender and the guy, who is uninsured is suing him, the bank screwed with his house payments, blah, blah, blah, excuses are like assholes everybody has one. No I'm sorry I really have been busy, or I really need time to get all this straitened out. What ever is what I say. I did let myself test the waters a little, he didn't mind the hands on or the kissing, so maybe there is still hope, is what I tell myself.
Fast forward until the middle of the month which is today 01/14/2007. I called him once because my house was freezing to ask if he knew anything. My 'rents and sister/b-i-l were out of town so I could not rely on them, so who do you expect me to call. He did not know anything about heating, go figure, he reminded me to call Julie because it was her b-day the next day, yes I know it is, well I have to go dinner and stuff, okay, thanks anyway end conversation. Fix heat by turning up thermostat to way beyond hotter than hell, hope it's not 56 degrees inside, - (yes that in a negative, I live in Alaska (that is what AK stands for not Arkansas) - 20 (20 below zero) outside, when I wake up in the morning and go to bed. Wake up check thermostat thank god for 66 degrees inside, still cold as hell is hot outside. End